Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Farewell to the IRB

 My friend just observed that I cannot write a single facetious document without the inclusion of the word "Maffick," This is  complete bullshit. 

As I prepare to head to China, I wanted to leave the IRB with a fond farewell. Unfortunately, this was the best I could manage. I do have a job, after all. (This is an established thing. If you're new to this saga, start here.)

For definitions, see Page 5.  For instructions on how to complete this form, see Page 6.
For HSD Office Use Only
Date Received:

[  ]     Master Copy

[  ]     Approved

[  ]     IRB Working Copy

[  ]     Conditional Approval

[  ]     Researcher Copy

[  ]     Approval in Principle

[  ]     Full IRB Review Required  

[  ]    Denied

[  ]     Expedited Review
[  ]     Withdrawn


Approval period from:

Date of IRB action:
Printed name:

IRB Chair or Designee Signature:


Research Study Information

Submission Reason

[  ] RENEW IRB application

[  ] CLOSE IRB application

Expiration date of IRB approval

IRB Application #
IRB Committee
IRB Application Title
Lead Researcher Name
Contact Name
Position and/or
academic appointment
Position and/or
academic appointment
Phone #
Phone #
Fax #
Fax #
Box #
Box #
Street address, if applicable
Street address, if applicable
NOTE: Signature must be in ink.

Lead Researcher Signature:

Lead Researcher Printed Name:         

Date Signed:       

A.    Summaries

1.     Provide an abstract of the research using lay-language.  Provide the following:
·          A summary of the purpose of this research activity,
·          A summary of the procedures subjects will undergo, and
·          A description of the subject population(s). 
We find in this committee a decided penchant
For approving the things that they find “relevant”
The forms demand “purpose,” and “Justice,” “Intent”
They demand we explain, they demand we consent

They abuse us with edicts designed to constrict
As if science was something one didn’t inflict
As if an objective was highly desired
And beneficent principles something required!

We don’t need a reason, an aim or objective
We refute your procedures and spurn your directives!
Oh Ho! How we laugh! How we grin as you glare!
For we run experiments because they are there!

2.     Provide a summary of the research progress to date. 
·         Do NOT cut and paste from last year’s status report. 
·         If you have not yet enrolled subjects, please explain why. 
·         Send one copy of each manuscript based on the data from this research, written since the last approval.
·         If you are closing your IRB application, explain what you will do with identifiable data and/or the link to the subjects’ identities.

With our funding at levels profoundly obscene,
we commenced with constructing our "research machine."
With what joy we prepared it! What designs to forsee!
We cackled insanely and writhed in our glee.
we cracked every knuckle, deranged every hair
we clammied our hands and befouled the air.

we attached fifty hoses at varying levels
Inserted the piping and sharpened the bevels
we polished its chrome and serrated its fringes,
placed hooks in the helmets and spikes on the hinges.
With the dremels in place, we began to recruit
we avoided the competent, sane and astute
we made deals with the prisons, misled the disabled
we enslaved the insane and the highly unstable

we unduly induced those we deigned to inform,
and the ones that we could not inveigle, we suborned.

Oh my, what a bang! What a marvelous trick!
We proceeded to maffick until we were sick.
A roaring success! A wild jubilation!
Erect the splash guard! Increase the filtration!

and lo, when the whimpers did mount to a howl,
we increased the suction and tightened the dowel.
And lo, when the howling had swelled to a scream,
we rejoiced and absconded to patent their spleen.

3.     List all modifications you have made during the last period of approval by IRB approval date.  Include a summary of each modification.  If you have pending modifications, please list them as “pending.”
When the first of our subjects too quickly congealed,
We were forced to examine the magnetic field
We sought to replace those who popped when incited
With those who, once truly alit, stayed ignited.

B.    Adverse Events and Other Problems:
·         Provide this information about adverse events and/or other problems for the approval period since your last status report by answering the questions below.
·          If there were no adverse events or other problems, write “None.” 
·         If you are reporting events in questions #1 and #2, and you have not submitted a Serious Adverse Event Report Form to HSD, complete the SAE Report form and submit it under separate cover.
·         Use the definitions at the end of this form for guidance.
  • NOTE:  If you have an outside monitoring body (DSMB/DSMC), you are responsible for reporting the events to that body. 

Number of adverse events that were related to research procedures, serious, and unexpected :  0

Number of adverse events that were related to research procedures and expected, but more severe or occurred at a greater frequency than expected : 17899864

List the adverse events that were related, non-serious, but unexpected in the table below:

Event type/description
Number of events
Number of subjects affected
EXAMPLE:  Nausea
As we strapped them in place, some began to protest
So we force fed them liquor til they were repressed
Then we tied down their arms to inject the first dose
Connected the circuits and hooked up the hose
We branded the logo of Coke on their bones
and abstracted their tissues for legions of clones.

Number of other problems (unanticipated problems, protocol violations, protocol deviations)      
If you answered 1 or more to the above question and have not already submitted the Modification Form with accompanying Supplemental Form: Report of Other Problems to report an Unanticipated Problem, complete both forms and submit separately from this status report.

Number of complaints: 0

C.    Funding

1.     Please fill out the grant and contract information on the following page(s). Include all current and IRB-approved funding for the research, even if you think the IRB already has this information. 
  • For Center or Program grants, list the Lead Researcher (Principal Investigator) and the Title for each separate project or core.
  • If there is new funding for the research, complete the (K-325) Modification Form on the HSD Forms Page and submit the form with complete copy of the grant proposal under separate cover.
  • Copy and paste the table below if you have multiple sources of funding. 

Type of Support
[  ]    American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA) – also known as the Stimulus           Package or Recovery Act If you checked this box, please attach the ARRA cover sheet to           your submission.  (

[  ]    Grant
[  ]    Fellowship
[x ]    University Funds
[  ]    Center Grant
[x]    Gift
[x]    Department Funds
[x]    Training Grant
[x]    Contract
[  ]    Other:  Describe:
We embezzled a budget from demented old nuns,
we rifled their checks and retirement funds
bought stock in the things we'd been hired to test
and returned the results that we felt were the best.
We took money that addicts shelled out to prescribe,
we ate company dinners, and collected bribes
For those without scruple, and willing to pay,
we encoded their adverts inside DNA
and once, when our coffers were mined to the least
we laundered some money and blackmailed a priest.


  1. This is amazing! A glorious climax that oozes greatness! I can't wait to see what The Blog morphs into as you travel and start grad school.

  2. wow... can I set this to music????