I am writing to document both my interest in and support of your upcoming study, “whatever the hell this is.” I am excited at the prospect of expanding our breadth of knowledge in an area that is providing so much scope for future research. It is clear to me that there is a vital and immediate necessity for a solid ethical foundation in the matter of idiots who look at the internet; This research will supply the requisite data from which to develop guidelines for prospective research with a population presenting with unique vulnerabilities.
Regarding your upcoming study, count me in! I am excited to be a part of the team you are assembling to have a crack at putting some ethical standards together! You know, when I lived on the farm, I never thought I’d be giving a damn about intellectual things like “Consent.” However, it just goes to show that you never know where you’re going to end up! I knew a cretin when I was a kid, boy, I never figured that he should have a say in how we took care of him! I guess I just assumed those folks ought to feel lucky to be alive. I think that this research will help others to understand that just because someone happens to be real slow, or in a wheelchair, they should still be treated like a person! Well now, look at me just rambling on when I ought to be compiling some statistics that prove your points! Just get me the data, I’m raring to go like a bull in spring what scents a young heifer!
I cannot heap enough opprobrium on this study. I find it offensive, puerile, and shocking. I don’t know where you villains derive such atrocious machinations, but it’s absolutely iniquitous and you can rest assured that I will be forwarding our correspondence to my congressman. Support indeed! The absolute audacious insolence of it all is beyond anything.
Upon review of your prospectus, I cannot see any reasonable objection to lending my support in the matter of your upcoming study. I would be pleased to serve as co-investigator, however, certain circumstances beyond my control prevent me from accepting that honor at this juncture. As there does not appear to be any legitimate impediment to providing you with this letter, I am happy to oblige you in this matter. However, please forward all future correspondence to my secretary, as I am currently occupied with a number of matters of business demanding my immediate attention and cannot be interrupted even for what appears to be as worthwhile an endeavor as your own. I remain, etc.
If I could just get these damn snakes off of me for one minute I could write you this letter. I am having extraordinary difficulty just now and assure you that I will turn my attention to it directly I get rid of these damn things.
SENDING SUPPORT IMMEDIATELY STOP DO NOT PROCEED WITHOUT PROPER EQIUPMENT STOP BACKHOE ARRIVING BY OVERNIGHT FREIGHT PICK UP GURNEY STATION 11:30PM STOP
I would be more than happy to formally express my support for your upcoming study, “The B Project.” I believe that as we learn more about the implications of traumatic brain injury, the more we will find ourselves questioning the limitations of the current ethical standards of the internet. This research is instrumental in constructing what will soon become necessary principles in conducting research with this population. I cannot think of a more timely or appropriate expenditure of academic interest, therefore, I am pleased to endorse this project, and will be happy to contribute further documentation if necessary.
Please acknowledge this letter as a formal acceptance of your invitation to work as a co-investigator on your forthcoming study, “This bullshit.” I am eager to make a contribution to this work, as it is manifest that we determine appropriate standards now on which to base our work in the future. As you know, much of my previous research has focused on the ethics of consent and the fragile relationship between research and distinctly vulnerable populations, such as idiots who look at the internet. I am confident that this study will prove both beneficial and indispensable. There is no more opportune time for research that will provide us with such crucial results. Please accept my collaboration and support in this matter.
There once was a damnable study
Which engendered a quandary quite bloody.
What determines intent
Or a valid consent
When the head’s not the governing body?