Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Domestic Interlude: Surprise, Arizona

It’s been a busy few months! Graduate school almost destroyed me, this site got a new look, I had to create a list of people who should probably be investigated for my murder if I die, and Mike and I took a trip to the American Southwest.

at the PATHETIC diamondbacks game 

As an ethicist, I have some opinions about some of Arizona’s recent legislation. As a tourist, I have some opinions about some of Arizona’s retirement communities.

However, exposure to Surprise, AZ has given me a remarkable business idea. I present to you a specialized line of scented candles and room fresheners called “Lifestyles.” You can choose from such premier and inspired scents as:

“Michigan Militia,” which smells like a small log cabin inhabited by a single large man who never bathes, with a bass note of congealed remains of condensed canned beef stew, and a top note of gun cleaning oil. Hints of pine and dead raccoon.

“Graduate Student,” which smells like something starchy that has been overcooked, two week old chocolate chip cookies that are parsimoniously nibbled to make them last longer, a base note of print toner, a top note of wet wool, and a dominant note of cigarettes that cost eight dollars a pack. Hints of wellbutrin and single-minded, frenetic desperation.

“Old White Republican,” a base note of the gravel that replaced your lawn coupled with that weird metallic smell you get on your hands when you sweat all over money. Hints of citrus. Candle includes special light activated sound of your community gate slamming shut on the heels of the minority you hired to do your landscaping. (The race and ethnicity of the minority does not matter to you.)

“Spiritual Healing Clinic,”evocative of a vortex, which will not ever be explained to your satisfaction, this candle combines the scent of expensive body wash with the earthy smell of sun dried sagebrush. Or it would, if the whole candle were not completely deodorized by a sterile atomizer. Please have a seat on our faux cowhide sofa. The “doctor” will be with you shortly.


However, not everything in Arizona is a retirement community. (This is totally why people have blogs – to disseminate vital information that people may otherwise not be aware of!) While Arizona may be a terrible place for a lung transplant, it is an incredible place to go if you want to be menaced by a landscape. Arizona is an alien place, with bulbous and harmful plant life rearing its spiny arms at every turn.




IMG_3720 hug me.

Once outside the confines of the cities, the careful cultivation of citrus trees ends and the scrub lands begin, stretching eternally and acarpously to a dehydrated horizon. Elephantine piles of dead rufescent rock tower over the desert. Sharp tracks of javelina pigs cut into the crusty clay in aimless paths.

IMG_3781 IMG_3755

Sedona is in the southernmost region of the area known as the painted desert. It is called the painted desert because you are not allowed to just write “HOLY SHIT” on a map.


The town of Sedona is home to a bunch of stores that sell the kind of exercise clothes you are not allowed to sweat in, dozens of artist’s collectives populated by people who used to be lawyers, heavily botoxed women promulgating the benefits of naturopathy, and people who give guided tours of parking lots to other people that believe in UFOs.


The hiking is pretty amazing; once you leave the confines of the town, you can park and head out on any of the innumerable trails that lead off into the rusty oblivion. 


We took the trail that wraps around Bell rock, a site famed for having vibrations that may cause you to pay some money. As far as we could tell from the limited conversations we had with breathless new age crystal enthusiasts with platinum highlights and velour tracksuits, it’s like some nystagmus of the aura of a rock, or something.

Whether or not this area is imbued with some supernatural power, or whether they have simply shot so many people that the canyon will echo the report for a thousand years, it was a supremely beautiful place for a walk, and like nothing I have ever seen.

Sedona sunset


It has been such a long time since I updated, I feel like I owe you some additional bonus information. And although there is something perverse in offering the following as an apology, since I almost feel like I should be apologizing for it, I can’t resist sharing a little about the visitors to this blog.

Most blogging services give you the opportunity to monitor the number of visits, the length of visits, and the routes people took to find you. I have spent a long time studying the keywords that people type in to get to this blog, and the take home point is really that I am entirely baffled about how the internet works. So as a conciliatory gesture, I present to you some of the search terms that ultimately direct people here.

My favorite search terms (Italicized comments are mine.)

  • get a hooker in Rotenberg
  • eels sex bitch
  • how to get drugs
  • gillian barlow (This one comes up a lot.)
  • medieval torture devices
  • jayuya sucks
  • miles davis transvestites (seriously, guys?)
  • mongolian bitches
  • unadulterated animal fats
  • is it appropriate to touch someone else's dirty enema water? (WHAT THE FUCK, Y’ALL)
  • Yak Butter
  • Rabbit spicy
  • nasty food pile
  • engrish fuck fruits
  • What the fuck is this shit? (I hear that.)
  • Exterior slat blinds (??????!)
  • Easter hats for Toddlers
  • Handjobs

Also, thanks to whomever submitted this site to Stumbleupon, although I am perplexed as to why I fall into the “drugs” category.

Or maybe I’m not.

Probably I’m not.



OK, I’m not. Party on.

1 comment:

  1. Shit, so it it appropriate to touch someone else's enema water? I've been looking for the answer to that question for months but it just keeps routing me to your blog!