Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Switzerland is fucking stupid! If I ever become an unethical, material -gorged world despot with a lust for power and armaments, I will totally blow the hell out of Switzerland in celebration of my glutted ascention. Everything there is like, a million dollars. That is unacceptable. I declare war on it. A whiskey and cola is FOURTEEN SWISS FRANCS (MORE THAN TWELVE U.S. DOLLARS!!!!!!!)!!!! Thank God that here in Munich, they sell Jack and Coke in 12 oz. CANS. That's right. IN CANS. (again: !!!!!!!!!)
The train to Munich was uneventful, except for a waiter in the dining car who was sad that we didn't see the nice parts of Switzerland, so he invited us to his house. Too bad that his Dumb country had already mortally offended us. We respectfully declined in favor of another day in Munich.
Getting to the hotel took us about four hundred years, so we were fain to give the festivities a miss. Our friend Natalie came and took us to a local bar (think club Z meets the River City, very upsetting.) where thanks to her amazing ability to communicate with Bavarian Barmaids, we managed to get some drinks. She will receive a hot position in my cabinet when my cartel takes charge.
The next day, we wandered around the main square and then we went to Oktoberfest.
NEW PARAGRAPH: (begin:then we went to Oktoberfest...)
Oh, and then. It was insane. These people are nuts. there were forty million of them. After some shoving and injurious crowd mingling, we found a table with some dumb military guys and some riotous, bachanalian Brazilian girls. Amazing amounts of Beer were consumed. Natalie wore traditional Bavarian garb. With our pictures, we can blackmail her for life.
When we left to catch the trolley, some crazy English guys tried to kill Bobby for no reason. This is very funny now, although we didn't think so at the time. Despite our bruises, torn sweaters and lost earing, it is now hilarious. This is a story that you will have to ask us about specifically, however. It's too long to type.
Yesterday, to spite the swiss alps, we went to the alps in Austria. It was amazingly beautiful. Today we're going to wander around Munich and tonight we'll catch the train to Frankfurt, and tomorrow we leave. I have to stop typing now because Bobby is waiting to smoke and he's freaking me out as he is FRANTICALLY PACING LIKE A STARVED JUNGLE CAT OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Zurich is NOT like Heidi. When we got off the train I became inexcusably teary because this whole town in made of the ingredients that go into flat and Boring, so it looks like Illinois, only with more cobblestones, and Saks Fifth avenue. Not a single mountain to speak of. A deplorable embarrassment to all places with hills. How I cursed this frightful slab of Damnation! But then we got to our Hotel and were greeted by an effeminate madman in a bathrobe. And everything was again hilarious. I'm not sure how it happens that we are consistently housed by the mentally disenfranchised, but I think it's linked to the same perverse power that insists that we be followed on all our travels by a screaming kid. I swear to God it's the same one! I implore everyone, on our return, to assist me in scrutinizing our pictures, because I guarantee we can find it and smother it if we all work together.
Rome was exhausting, (Fred!! Missed the Spanish steps! Spent years in the Palatine ruins making tasteless jokes about vomitoriums! Also blew off the Colosseum. Who the hell needs anything that damn big? Balls!) but we managed to do some pretty cool things, and take some pretty cool pictures.
We're taking it easy in Zurich today, and tomorrow we'll see the Dada museum and a Dali exhibit before we head to Munich and watch Dudes from the U.S. armed forces get drunk. Wooo Woooo WOOOOO! Boy, I can't wait for school to start.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

We're kicking it in Rome!! Cinque terra was wonderful from start to finish; we even wound up loving the Bed and Breakfast (sans breakfast) and all its lunatic inhabitants. Especially the million year old lady who lurched and crawled around the whole house sobbing and whimpering, clinging to chairs and stumbling over ants and shrinking constantly into a shriveled, threadbare purple sweater until she looked more every day like an ignobly vanquished prune. She told me every morning over coffee in Italian how she was dying. I understood only enough to relate to you that she certainly THINKS she is.
Rome is hectic so far - we seem to be taking the "See Europe in seven minutes" tour, so everything goes by in a flurry of activity and the ubiquitous, aggressive, brooding young men, who populate Rome to a disconcerting extent. They are EVERYWHERE, and only slightly less predatory than rabid cannibals with appetitive disorders. Last night we were violently seduced into a pub crawl (containing 56% rabid distempered sex fiends and 44% intoxicated underage American sorority ninnies.) Today we encountered disappointment at the Colosseum, wandered aimlessly, booked passage on a train to Zurich, and failed to buy a ticket to the tourist spots and so went shopping instead. Tomorrow We'll be up at 8 to catch the vaguely tempting (read: free) hotel breakfast, and then cram in as many statues, churches, ruins and museums as possible before our night train leaves. I miss everyone, and encourage response to these posts because it makes me feel less homesick (although, at the same time, homesick my ass. I'm totally in Rome. I just like to be reminded that you're all SUCKEEEEERS!!!) Praise the Lord, we may sell our passports and travel Europe in one o they Ford vans, preaching hellfire and salvation to the heathens. Love to all!

Monday, September 12, 2005

We're in cinque terra! everything is amazingly beautiful.....and expensive! as a result, I don't have time to post any information because this computer costs a thousand dollars. The news in brief is that our Bed and Breakfast is run by asylum escapees, Italian people are hilarious, and the three of us TOTALLY took a two hour hike today. It was mostly uphill, but at the end was a fabulous beach town. (we are, in fact, STAYING in a fabulous beach town, but the hike was incredibly beautiful. We took thousands of pictures. So we're all alive and doing well. Everyone who reads this should send me ten dollars and that will possibly cover the cost of the post. love e

Saturday, September 10, 2005

We spent the day in scenic Rothenburg. It's much nicer than we first assumed - we apparently had the luck to accommodate ourselves in the official "Boring quarter." Last night we dropped off our bags and wandered around despairingly, then had a bitchin dinner at the hotel and retired to the room to drink a bottle of Feder Weisser and watch German television. I do not know why God has failed to bless us with German programming. It's the height of hilarity. We watched an infomercial type game show called "Schnipp Schnapp - Was is Das?" where a maniac was exhorting and pleading with people to spend .49 Euro to call and identify a partial picture and win 27,000 Euro. It was ultimately amazing because it was live, and we heard a drunk wrong number, two hang up calls, a crazy lady insisting that it was a Croccodile (Editor's note: this looked NOTHING like a crocodile), the crazy lady calling BACK to guess croccodile again in a thinly disguised accent, and a guy who had his TV turned up so loud that you couldn't hear a word he was saying because of the deafening reverberation. It was astounding.
Today it rained all day, but we took a walking tour of the city anyway, which included the Criminal museum, housing different types of medieval torture devices (you wouldn't BELIEVE what they do to drunks.); The scary-ass christmas museum (Wendy thought it was adorable, I thought it was deplorable, before this becomes a country song allow me to just say that Christmas never looked so menacing.); and the whole thing was topped off by a clock extolling the virtues of the long dead mayor who saved the city by drinking, in one gulp, 3 and 1/4 Litres of wine and thereby winning a bet with the conquering Catholic general. That's my kind of warfare. It's a shame we missed the festival reenactment in April.
Tonight we take the train to Stuttgart, where we meet an overnight connection to Milan. From Milan we'll go directly to Cinque Terra, and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with a beach. Hopefully We can meet our friend Lila, who's staying in France.
Overall, we're all having the best of times, no one has been injured, assaulted, or depressed. So far, none of us want to murder our traveling companions in ingenious, untraceable ways. An unqualified success, not counting today's weather (abysmal.) and "charming, winding cobblestone streets" (tortuously, bruisingly quaint.). Any travel recommendations for Switzerland would be appreciated, because either my mom or google cannot spell our first suggestion.

Thursday, September 8, 2005

Schnapps will kick in your head

I have a lot to say and not much time to say it, so I will post an abridged version of events and fill in gaps later. Tuesday was mostly spent familiarizing ourselves with Munster - if I wanted to take a tour of old churches, this would be the place to be. Bobby and I went to a restaurant alone, found that they spoke no English, a mutant form of German, and a native restaurant dialect comprised of gesturing vehemently and spitting. We tried French, Spanish, Yiddish, Arabic and Italian in turn, and finally settled for the "grunt and point" approach. surprisingly effective.
Wednesday Eva took us to see a castle which is now a financial school. (Hey Kristi! Tell Jacob to defect and ask for political asylum in Germany. Oh, and stop cleaning our apartment!!) It was large. I was hoping against hope for one of those gloomy, intimidating gothic monstrosities, but it's been renovated enough that I think it now qualifies architecturally as "Best Victorian Lavatory Period." Who goes around knocking the arms off all those statues, anyway? Pictures were totally taken.
Wednesday night is traditionally "going out night" in Munster, which is a piss poor misnomer for an evening where everything is slightly more expensive and all the bars close at midnight. We wound up in this insanely tiny little bar run by a diminutive Czeck with a vaguely Hitlerian countenance. Imagine our shock when he discounted all our drinks, and then closed the bar and sat down with us and a bottle of schnapps. He was the coolest guy EVER. We then ineffectually stumbled to an outrageously loud and annoying night club that played awful top forty american music. When I went outside to get some air, a drunk German asked me where the bar was. I pointed behind me and he spat, in heavily accented english, "Shit fockin music" before reeling into the side of the building. I agreed. Today we had fun at H&M, and tomorrow morning we're taking the train to some anachronistic german town on the Swiss border called Rothenburg. (Dad! Dad! MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!!!!!!) Saturday, on to somewhere in Switzerland, although I forgot to sell a Kidney. oops.
hope to find civilization enough to post again soon - between the boar meat and the self-styled world famous pancakes I doubt we'll have a chance in the next few days. I hope it won't offend the natives when I dress up like the Pope.

p.s. Vince - are you still in the states? If you are not, can we meet? Let me know!

Monday, September 5, 2005

The bells of St. Clemmens say - Oh, no, wait.....

Hey, check this out: öööö. That's right. It's where the apostrophe should be. Our hotel in Frankfurt was really, really amazing, which loosely translated means a fully awesome place to sleep after all the alcohol we drank. Wendy and I found out that complete sleep deprivation and drink binging is the magical panacea for jet lag. We had no idea what the hell time it was, so we got up at eight the next morning and felt great.
For your information, however, I want to bring it to your attention that continental breakfasts in the states suck so incredibly that I'll bet Derek Jeter invented them. There is so much more to steal when you eat German breakfasts. Wendy and I embarked on a serious life of crime Saturday morning, which some old people thought was really funny. Well, The hell with those old people, because they were not nearly ingenious enough to steal hygienic bags from the restrooms and stuff them with Danishes. Take THAT, you fools! I don't care how hard you yanked yourselves up by the bootstraps after the great depression! I don't care if you remember when bread was two cents a loaf! Because I remember it being TOTALLY FRIGGIN FREE when I was shoving handfuls of rolls into my purse! (thank god they wrap cheese in wax here.) Stupid old people.
Then, we went to the train station and caught an express train to Munster.
I am so super pissed that none of you told me how cool trains are. Landscapes are TOTALLY pastoral!! and I never knew! Eva met us at the station and took us to her apartment, which is an Ikea catalog. We are all afraid to touch the furniture.
Yesterday we went to Elta to visit Eva's parents. The town itself has a population about the size of the average number of people you would find in the Nordstrom rack on any given day. I think they do most of their business with drunken bike riders. The town consists of an elementary school, a Russian refugee asylum, two churches and a nature preserve. Eva said they had a grocery store too, but I'm sure she's lying like always. I was astonished to find that Eva's parents are actually made of money. I always thought the expression was figurative, but apparently not. They took us to a restaurant that served the nastiest goulash ever. Kristi, you would have wept with shame for them. I myself almost hurled.
Today I woke up really early by accident, so I went jogging through Eva's neighborhood in Munster. I saw a ninety year old lady on a bike, and the street signs make no sense. Also, if you went up to a German city planner and said "city block," they would have no idea what you meant. Even if you said it in German. As a result, I ran around in an amoeba shaped route, turned hard left twice, and somehow wound up back where I started. This place is strange. I am out of interesting things to say, so we are going now to gape at some cathedrals and expensive clothing stores, and cook dinner. Miss most of you.
love emmi

Sunday, September 4, 2005

Drunk in frankfurt

We have all made it alive to Germany. whether we will stay that way is debatable. Tonight we went to about twenty thousand bars and had dinner in the unacknowledged tourist trap. Tomorrow we will see Eva, and then the fun will hopefully begin.(p.s = one of us ordered schnitzel for dinner. prizes go to who guesses whether or not it was the Jew, the Muslim, or the vegetarian) We all miss whoever deigns to read this, and we will keep you all posted. As dumb as it is. With total mania and strange keyboard configurations; Emmi, Bobby and Wendy.